Dedicated to Michael - luv James

Would be a shame not to have this here for posterity... on a selfish note, knowing the reason for these, they never cease to make me laugh out loud.. so, its a thanks from me. Possibly, others may think it quite strange.. but Michael, your strength and honor as sidekick in all this deserves a medal !

And cheers James :-)

26th Nov 2009

think that idea is highly sexual. we should have a longer break over december so we don't play on unplayable pitches etc. and the rain is so wet. our game on sunday was almost impossible with hail and mud. the celtic boys were without fail, flirting outrageously with michael the whole game. there was so much giggling and finger pointing i hardly knew where to look. it was only later that afternoon when i was sitting in the bath with michael discussing things that all straight men like us talk about when i noticed my rippling abs just looked amazing. neither of us could get over how awesome my awesomeness was and we decided there and then to write a best selling abs book and become geniuses. we also promised ourselves to include the rules for our game that we play. it was actually one of the cute guys from lisbarnes that gave us the idea. it's called "abduction". basically, i kidnap michael and make him tell me things. it's just incredible. michael grew up with 2 dads, well one biological father and then "uncle julian" his dads special friend up until 1987 when same sex marraige was made mandatory for all men over the age of 40 in new zealand, at which point this happy little family could live happily out in the open. as we all know michael was breast fed until the age of 14, which is why he is such a sensitive young man. it's funny you know, as i sit here naked, writing to you, my special friends, i can't help but hope that all michaels teeth fall out tonight and he chokes to death. we should have better refs and a longer winter break. and celtic should all know that jedward are from ireland.

14th April 2009

hi Cedric, my computer isn't opening files at the moment because i put jelly on it. was hoping you could , in very simple terms, send me our remaining fixtures and also let me know if there is any chance of making up our game this weekend at all with wkk or any of the others we missed.

thanks mate!

also wanted to let you know that mike has been saying stuff about you, behind your back. back stabbing you. so.. just thought you might want to throw him out of the league or something good like that.

23rd Feb 2009

bloods: 2 beautiful goals- madras: 2 sloppy, ugly undeserved goals. i mean that in a loving way. in a way that supports the inner child.

did you know that some work emails automatically block incoming emails with any swear words, i have actually had some of my masterpieces blocked by some work emails in this group....... shit... who would have fucking thought?

hope everyone is happy and well

James
oh, i am doing a sponsored killing this wednesday. i'm killing mike so if anyone wants to contribute and sponsor me you can do so online at my website www.jamesinhistightunderwear.com.

27th Nov 2008

why don't we all have a boys shopping day out? we could laugh and walk around oxford street like sex and the city! and then we could all come back to mine and mike's house and stub cigarettes out on his balls!

let me know what you think guys!

oh! almost forgot! i'm having a little whip around to raise some money to have mike beaten up and burnt with matches! so if you have any spare coins, sharpen them and throw them at his big stupid face.

thank you!

26th Oct 2008

Bloods 6 madras 2. I was amazing. A cross between pele and the very handsome lead singer from razor light. I laughed when I first nominated my self for man of the match, but I am learning to accept my role as a hero, as a role model and something of a sexual icon. Today was a real thriller. I'm glad we had the absolute shit kicked out of us. It really adds some spice to the team steam bath. See you all at mikes house this Thursday for line dancing!

30th Sept 2008

great game on the weekend between wkk and the bloods. really and truly highlighted exactly why it is that we get up on a sunday morning each week. it was played in such a great spirit and everyone came away having played well, had fun and didn't get hurt.
awesome effort all around!
oh, and michael spent the rest of the day eating his own turds that he saved all week in plastic containers.
michael has a vagina.

22nd Sept 2008

Celtic chickened out of their game with us so we had a six on six contemporary dance contest, Celtic won this easilywith a stirring come back utilising the latest in Irish dance technology. Then we had a longest kiss contest just for fun which Michael and his mum won. Then we all giggled for half an hour. All of us just giggled. Then neil from Barnes ruined the whole day by looking thru the window and making thin lip signals to Michael. This shattered Michaels sex appeal.

18th Sept 2008

Hey everybody, hope you are all doing well. as you all probably know, the bloods lost on the weekend. i didn't play but michael mentioned that at the start of the game neil who captains barnes was standing on the grass and micheal walked up to him for the usual pre game hug. but while they were hugging neil whispered right in his ear so the ref couldn't hear "micheal!.... your pecs are tiny! and we can hardly notice any difference in your sex appeal since you had your lips done!" now this would be upsetting for anyone, but especially someone so emotionally unstable and mentally fragile as micheal. the effect of this was that michael ran as fast as he could to a patch of leaves and tried to hide. then the entire barnes team laughed at him, michael began shrieking in his high pitched squeal and tried frantically to dig a hole to hide in. anyway, once we had coaxed him down from the tree and calmed him down a little he actually did an amazing job of throwing balls in to our own net. so for next game michael has had new pec implants and a huge amount of collagen in his lips. so if you could please just mention his increased his sex appeal it would be very helpful to his carers. anyways, see you this thursday evening at michaels house for an evening of song and dance as michael and i perform roller disco brokeback mountain for you!!
8th Sept 2008
Howdy Pardners! we are thinking of changing the team name to the kensington kowboys! and no! the K on kowboy isn't a spelling mistake, michael and i really think it adds an edge to the team..... we have also sourced some sport cowboy hats and are wondering if this would be a problem for any other teams if we play with them on our heads? also, we have told michael that all of our games are now televised nationally, so if you could just play along that would really help with controlling his "issues". until we have sorted out all the legal issues surrounding michaels recent run in with britney spears fragrance promoters we will stay as the london bloods.
> i'm so glad that we are all friends and it is so nice for micheal and i to finally have people to talk to and share things with.
5th August 2008
london bloods would actually be happy to pay a couple of pounds extra for linesmen. london bloods are all very wealthy men. mike will once again be taking the reigns of the london bloods, if only in name, the recent head trauma he suffered on holiday in wigan has left him with a slight mental retardation. as a result of this we would request some sensitivity when playing against micheal. if you could gently steer him to the sidelines if you notice him eating leaves we would be very grateful. we also try to fasten his adult nappy as securely as possible but despite our best efforts he sometimes gets himself loose and will start to throw the contents around. probably best to just stay out of the way when this happens. it hasn't always been easy for michael. coming from a small town in new zealand he had to live with the stigma of his parents being brother an sister and raising him as a girl until the age of ten. this and the fact that he was breastfed until this age would explain his wonderful sensitivity. at the age of ten he ran away to be a child soldier in the west african country of liberia. his brain addled by heavy drug use and now heavily pregnant, he made his way to mexico, to the lawless mountain range called the "sierra Madre" where he made quite a name for himself as a prostitute. he was known as the "happy prostitute" and many songs have been written about the smiling whistling young kiwi whore. after two marraiges and a stint as a gameshow host in peru michael stowed away on a coconut boat to london to finally fullfill his dream of being a professional footballer in the only fully homosexual league in the world. which brings us to today! so lets all have a gay old season!! we are working day and night on a communal bath for after the games we play. i also don't think lisbarnes should be allowed to play anymore until they stop calling michael at night and taunting him about his colourful past. so in short, we are definitely in! lets have linesmen! cute ones! with nice whistles!